Breaking the Negativity Bias
Focussing on the Positives when parenting
“Whatever we put a magnifying glass on will appear bigger.”
We all have an innate bias to spot and remember negative events much more easily than the positive ones.
In Psychology this is known as the negativity bias. The negativity bias affects our attention, how we learn and retain or recall information, the conclusions we come to when evaluating peoples’ behaviour and our decision-making.
As adults we owe it to ourselves to be aware of this bias and to train our brain to focus on the Positives to balance out this positive-negative asymmetry. This is of particular importance as parents, since young children can otherwise develop a deep rooted negative perception the world, others and themselves.
4 key aspects to remember when focusing on the Positives
Remind yourself of Positive Experiences
To begin with it can be very difficult to shift your focus and to notice the Positives. Prime your brain by reminding yourself of positive experiences, highlight the talents and strengths that your child has, remember all the things that fill you with pride.Write it down
As parents we have a gazillion things on our minds constantly. Now performing the task of shifting our focus and re-training our brain might be cognitive overload. It can be helpful to find a space where you can quickly jot down positives that you notice about your child. This can be a visible board in the family home, a notebook, or something else. This usually takes less than a few minutes and can be a great reminder to look at when times become difficult again. Trust me, it’ll be worth it!Nothing is to be expected
Even the smallest, tiniest little positive action deserves attention. Nothing is to be taken for granted! Some things that your child does well may cause severe difficulties in other families. It is also important to acknowledge small steps towards a goal. As adults we tend to forget how challenging it can be to wake up in the morning, get ready in the bathroom, have breakfast, get ready for work/school and leave on time. It’s actually a sequence of complex tasks. Each task has a hurdle in front of it that needs to be overcome. Every little step in the right direction is important.What can I actually expect from my child?
Try to keep your expectations realistic. The expectations you have of your child but also the expectations that you have of yourself. What is appropriate for a child a certain age? For a child who may have a diagnosis of ADHD or is neurodivers? What can I expect of myself as a parent in my situation?
Most of the times many small steps, many reviews and new beginnings and a lot of patience are necessary to make long-lasting positive changes.
However, if you constantly focus on the progress your child makes this will change your own perception of your child as well as their perception of themselves. This will lead to a more positive atmosphere at home, the child can grow and become self-confident and you will break the negativity bias!
As a little exercise to get you going I suggest creating a list of all of the things that you really like about your child. Consider their behaviour, their hobbies, interests, school, friendships, home life, their appearance…
If you have any questions or comments please do contact me!